The other night I had a Closet Meltdown. I don’t mean a meltdown had in secret in the privacy of one’s own closet, I mean a total breakdown involving myself, my closet, and my hangers and shelves filled with articles of clothing. None of which I wanted to wear. Here in Brooklyn, we’re making that strange transition where the weather is beautiful but impossible for dress for. Not to mention the fact that the clothes that I wore last winter just don’t fit the same after a spring and summer. So cut to me, staring into my closet, bawling my eyes out because I have nothing to wear.
In general, I do have issues finding clothes to buy and wear. My shape cannot be classified in “magazine speak” (curvy, athletic, petite, etc.). I have big boobs, but narrow hips, with a wider waist than the people who make clothing think I should have. I’m also 5’3″, which technically means I could be considered “petite.” Whenever I go shopping it seems that I am between sizes. When I’m at my skinniest (a size that is almost impossible to maintain), I am a comfortable size 4. Usually though, I am slightly bigger than a size 4 and slightly smaller than a size 6. Ultimately what I need is for every store to start making a size 5 and I would probably double my wardrobe instantly.
Right now though, I’m trying so hard to be comfortable in my own skin. I’m eating well, not over indulging, as I’ve been known to do in the past, and working out every chance I get (but not feeling bad if I miss a work out). I have finally found food that I love and an exercise routine that really works for me. I eat when I’m hungry and stop when I’m full, instead of eating when I’m bored/punishing myself/rewarding myself and stopping when my stomach hurts. I’m in a really good place in terms of my relationship with food, exercise and the shape of my body I would love my wardrobe to reflect that.
I think, as women, we get really hung up on the number size. Like I even said, “I’m a size 4.” Considering that really we’re “supposed” to be a size zero or 2, according to the runways and magazines, anything bigger than that is apparently wrong. In the past when I have gone shopping and tried on a 4 or a 6 which didn’t fit I would sometimes just buy the clothes anyway with the plan to lose weight to fit into them. As if the clothes were right about what size I should be and I was wrong. Then those pants/skirts/tops would sit in my closet and mock me for not losing weight fast enough. Months later, feeling like a failure, I would inevitably return the clothes, tags still on.
I’ve made the decision to try and ignore the label. I want to allow myself to feel proud of my body and if that means wearing a size 6, 8, 10, I want to embrace it. The clothing stores should not get to dictate how I feel about my body. They do not get to punish me for not being small enough. Who said being small is actually better? I like my curves and my softness. It makes me feel like a woman. I don’t want to have to feel bad about that because, once upon a time, I was a “size 4.” Who knows, maybe in some store I am still a size 4, its not like every store sizes their clothes the same way. I may be a size 4 at The Gap, a size 8 at Brooklyn Industries, and have to squeeze myself into a 10 at H&M. Even more reason to not pay attention to the number. If the clothes fit, I’m wearing them.
Now does anyone have some extra money lying around so I can buy myself a new wardrobe?
More on weight loss: Weight Watchers, Stop Shaming Jessica Simpson